Camping!

This weekend Bryce and I went camping in a park about an hour south of campus. It was really pretty down there, in a very Midwest kind of way. Corn fields everywhere on the way to the park; the park itself was fairly forested, if filled with lots of trailer people who play loud country music. We set up our tent in a site far from everyone else, started a fire, and had delicious grilled cheese and s'mores.

The weekend was very peaceful. No stressing about homework or other responsibilities--they were so far away! (About an hour away, to be precise.) The lake was gorgeous. We even got a late-night thunderstorm, and our tent kept us completely dry! It was awesome.

We need squishier ground pads though. I'm still a little sore.

My responsibilities have worked their way into my dreams. My dream last night involved Brandi asking if I'd reserved the hotel yet, and I thought I had responded to Kirsten's email about my class. My other dreams this week and last have been similar. Probably not a good thing? I can't tell. I still don't quite feel like I have my life together yet. But I'm trying really hard. 

I can't tell if I need more or fewer breaks from my work and responsibilities.

One Day After Another

I've gotten very existential lately. It's not exactly conducive to productivity.

Why should I do this? What will happen if I don't? Nothing life-threatening. Wouldn't the world move on without me either way? Isn't the world moving past me now? How long can I stay here, before someone notices? Maybe if I stay here long enough, I won't have to move again. How pleasant that would be.

These are the things that immobilize my fingers above the keyboard, get my eyes locked into space-out mode and turn my muscles to lead. Moving is suddenly a herculean task. I need to come up with a name for that mind-space that I always get trapped in. I have to claw my way out with sheer willpower, but it's almost not even willpower--I manage to convince myself I have nothing better to do, throw myself to my feet before I change my mind, and once I'm in motion again the feeling passes. But it's so hard to do sometimes.

I must remind myself never to touch my bed after I get up in the morning, before going to bed that night.

In truth, it's better recently than it has been. There have been bad days still, but Bryce usually helps me get through them in the best way he can. I'm hoping this blog will also help.

Work has been going well. Research is also still making progress. Slow progress. My CS class is horribly boring. Condensed matter, however, is going great, and so is LAS. Our second SWIP meeting is this week, and we'll see how well we enticed our new members at Mocktails two weeks ago.

To make up for my moodiness, here is an awesome picture of me, Bryce, and our two friends at the OK GO concert on Saturday. It was an incredible amount of fun.

Ringin' in the New School Year!

Welcome to 2014! Sorta. We've been here a while.

Sparknotes on what has happened since:

• I survived the spring semester. 
• I took the physics GRE and did...satisfactorily.
• I went to France for a month.
• I started doing physics research on top of my MechSE job.
• I also became a physics TA...on top of my physics research and my MechSE job. 
• I am still a president of the Society for Women in Physics.
• I am living in my first apartment! With Bryce! (I'll try not to gush about it too much but it just might be the best most fantastic thing ever also our apartment is awesome and cute and big and it's just really really great omg)

I am now taking a slightly reduced course-load, but am pretty much as busy as ever. Jumping from work to class to research to class to teaching to trying to learn how to cook a variety of meals in our new kitchen that are more than some hot dogs and easy mac.

Graduate school is also a newfound source of unease. Bryce and I have come up with a list this weekend (a long and slightly stressful and anxiety-producing process that may or may not have reduced me to some tears) of graduate schools that we want to apply to. We'll ask around and perhaps narrow it down, but we have a pretty good spread of sparkly top-tier schools to "pretty" schools (pretty good, pretty strong, pretty large and independent, pretty generous) to we'll-go-there-if-we-have-to schools. But don't talk to me about it yet; I'm still trying to calm my inner freak-out demon.

Our family dog, Pippin, passed away a few weeks ago, which was incredibly heart-breaking. I've gone through a steady grieving process and have for the most part accepted it, but the wound is still raw. I think I might be able to say that it's the first time I've ever lost someone close to me. The feeling is new.

My biggest enemy this semester so far is focus. Focusing on my schoolwork, my writing, my research, has become incredibly difficult recently. I don't know if it's the emotional ups and downs I've been having since last semester, but it's definitely something that is stronger now than it has been in semesters past. 

Perhaps it's just the knowledge that I'll be leaving so soon. Both anticipation and dread.