The Final Stretch

Two exams. And that's it. No projects, no applications. I finished all of my graduate school applications due today. I finished my senior thesis and submitted it last Friday. I completed my CS homework, my condensed matter problem set....all of it. Done.

On Wednesday I have my condensed matter exam and my computer science exam. Both of them will be very hard, and I'm very worried for both. But for some reason, I can't bring myself to study.

I read a page on productivity recently. It mentioned the tendency to "simulate productivity", avoiding big projects by doing small, mindless tasks to make myself feel better about the thing I'm avoiding. It struck so close to home. I'm doing it right now. I'm writing a blog post, because that feels productive. I'm buying Christmas presents, because I need to do that anyway so why not do it now? I'm cleaning the bathroom, writing in a journal, doing useless equestrian team things, blah blah blah. Everything but studying.

My usual tricks aren't working. I feel shitty. I even tried meditating, which made me feel better and not so shitty, but didn't actually help my focus at all. I took my pill two times today, with no success. I bet it's a sugar pill. Ugh I just bet you it's a sugar pill.

I'll just drink my coffee and doodle in a notebook maybe. Copy some notes by hand for fun. That'll work. It'll feel mindless, and maybe I'll unconsciously absorb some information.

I want to be done. And home. But then I don't know what I'll do when I'm home, and that makes me panic a little bit.

I hate finals limbo. It's actually almost worse than the busiest part of the middle of the semester. At least then I had some structure, simple objectives, a to-do list that didn't just say "study." Panic panic panic. My breathing is actually getting faster just as I write this. I'm upset that I can't do this.

I'll make a study plan. That's the thing to do, right? I have to do something.

Thoughts for the end of the day

I am exhausted: bodily and mentally. This semester has sucked the life out of me. And now at this horse show, I must muster every ounce of physical endurance I have under the influence of immense sleep deprivation.

Melodramatic? Probably.

Anyway, my feet hurt and my back aches, and it's only 8:30 and my eyes are closing.

This week, however hard, was actually successful. I managed to get everything done, without too much of a strain on my mental health. I even celebrated a friend's birthday at a nice restaurant, which was tons of fun. I need to schedule another get-together with my friends soon. Socializing does me good.

I will leave you with a few lingering thoughts on my brain before I sleep:

-Good Mexican food is delicious.
-The ethical dilemma of whether or not to take a picture of someone sleeping with a hilarious facial expression is a deep one.
-Headbands vs. hats? The top of my head protests. Even if headbands are cute.
-I need more regular girl friends in my life.

Motivation

Feel like your life might be getting out of control? Haven't eaten breakfast in years? Can't find reasons to get out of bed? This post is for you, friends.

Staying functional during a depressive funk is a difficult, difficult thing; why would you try to do it alone? Here are some resources I've found that have helped me keep my life in order even when that didn't really seem possible, as well as some of my personal tips.

Focus

I've been thinking a lot about focus and concentration these past few weeks. It's been my hardest obstacle to overcome; my moods have been a wild roller coaster, but my concentration abilities have been on a steady, steep decline. At least they're consistent.

I've tried everything. (Or at least, every possible idea I could find on the subject.) Some things worked better than others. Some things only worked in combination with other things. Some things just did not work at all. Like most mental strategies, the effectiveness of these routines varies wildly from person to person. Whatever helps you with your concentration may be extremely different from what helps someone else.

So here is a (not really) scientific report of my findings. If you have any other suggestions, or know of something I left out, feel free to leave them in the comments! I'm always searching.

Middle

Camping!

This weekend Bryce and I went camping in a park about an hour south of campus. It was really pretty down there, in a very Midwest kind of way. Corn fields everywhere on the way to the park; the park itself was fairly forested, if filled with lots of trailer people who play loud country music. We set up our tent in a site far from everyone else, started a fire, and had delicious grilled cheese and s'mores.

The weekend was very peaceful. No stressing about homework or other responsibilities--they were so far away! (About an hour away, to be precise.) The lake was gorgeous. We even got a late-night thunderstorm, and our tent kept us completely dry! It was awesome.

We need squishier ground pads though. I'm still a little sore.

My responsibilities have worked their way into my dreams. My dream last night involved Brandi asking if I'd reserved the hotel yet, and I thought I had responded to Kirsten's email about my class. My other dreams this week and last have been similar. Probably not a good thing? I can't tell. I still don't quite feel like I have my life together yet. But I'm trying really hard. 

I can't tell if I need more or fewer breaks from my work and responsibilities.

One Day After Another

I've gotten very existential lately. It's not exactly conducive to productivity.

Why should I do this? What will happen if I don't? Nothing life-threatening. Wouldn't the world move on without me either way? Isn't the world moving past me now? How long can I stay here, before someone notices? Maybe if I stay here long enough, I won't have to move again. How pleasant that would be.

These are the things that immobilize my fingers above the keyboard, get my eyes locked into space-out mode and turn my muscles to lead. Moving is suddenly a herculean task. I need to come up with a name for that mind-space that I always get trapped in. I have to claw my way out with sheer willpower, but it's almost not even willpower--I manage to convince myself I have nothing better to do, throw myself to my feet before I change my mind, and once I'm in motion again the feeling passes. But it's so hard to do sometimes.

I must remind myself never to touch my bed after I get up in the morning, before going to bed that night.

In truth, it's better recently than it has been. There have been bad days still, but Bryce usually helps me get through them in the best way he can. I'm hoping this blog will also help.

Work has been going well. Research is also still making progress. Slow progress. My CS class is horribly boring. Condensed matter, however, is going great, and so is LAS. Our second SWIP meeting is this week, and we'll see how well we enticed our new members at Mocktails two weeks ago.

To make up for my moodiness, here is an awesome picture of me, Bryce, and our two friends at the OK GO concert on Saturday. It was an incredible amount of fun.

Ringin' in the New School Year!

Welcome to 2014! Sorta. We've been here a while.

Sparknotes on what has happened since:

• I survived the spring semester. 
• I took the physics GRE and did...satisfactorily.
• I went to France for a month.
• I started doing physics research on top of my MechSE job.
• I also became a physics TA...on top of my physics research and my MechSE job. 
• I am still a president of the Society for Women in Physics.
• I am living in my first apartment! With Bryce! (I'll try not to gush about it too much but it just might be the best most fantastic thing ever also our apartment is awesome and cute and big and it's just really really great omg)

I am now taking a slightly reduced course-load, but am pretty much as busy as ever. Jumping from work to class to research to class to teaching to trying to learn how to cook a variety of meals in our new kitchen that are more than some hot dogs and easy mac.

Graduate school is also a newfound source of unease. Bryce and I have come up with a list this weekend (a long and slightly stressful and anxiety-producing process that may or may not have reduced me to some tears) of graduate schools that we want to apply to. We'll ask around and perhaps narrow it down, but we have a pretty good spread of sparkly top-tier schools to "pretty" schools (pretty good, pretty strong, pretty large and independent, pretty generous) to we'll-go-there-if-we-have-to schools. But don't talk to me about it yet; I'm still trying to calm my inner freak-out demon.

Our family dog, Pippin, passed away a few weeks ago, which was incredibly heart-breaking. I've gone through a steady grieving process and have for the most part accepted it, but the wound is still raw. I think I might be able to say that it's the first time I've ever lost someone close to me. The feeling is new.

My biggest enemy this semester so far is focus. Focusing on my schoolwork, my writing, my research, has become incredibly difficult recently. I don't know if it's the emotional ups and downs I've been having since last semester, but it's definitely something that is stronger now than it has been in semesters past. 

Perhaps it's just the knowledge that I'll be leaving so soon. Both anticipation and dread.