The Final Stretch

Two exams. And that's it. No projects, no applications. I finished all of my graduate school applications due today. I finished my senior thesis and submitted it last Friday. I completed my CS homework, my condensed matter problem set....all of it. Done.

On Wednesday I have my condensed matter exam and my computer science exam. Both of them will be very hard, and I'm very worried for both. But for some reason, I can't bring myself to study.

I read a page on productivity recently. It mentioned the tendency to "simulate productivity", avoiding big projects by doing small, mindless tasks to make myself feel better about the thing I'm avoiding. It struck so close to home. I'm doing it right now. I'm writing a blog post, because that feels productive. I'm buying Christmas presents, because I need to do that anyway so why not do it now? I'm cleaning the bathroom, writing in a journal, doing useless equestrian team things, blah blah blah. Everything but studying.

My usual tricks aren't working. I feel shitty. I even tried meditating, which made me feel better and not so shitty, but didn't actually help my focus at all. I took my pill two times today, with no success. I bet it's a sugar pill. Ugh I just bet you it's a sugar pill.

I'll just drink my coffee and doodle in a notebook maybe. Copy some notes by hand for fun. That'll work. It'll feel mindless, and maybe I'll unconsciously absorb some information.

I want to be done. And home. But then I don't know what I'll do when I'm home, and that makes me panic a little bit.

I hate finals limbo. It's actually almost worse than the busiest part of the middle of the semester. At least then I had some structure, simple objectives, a to-do list that didn't just say "study." Panic panic panic. My breathing is actually getting faster just as I write this. I'm upset that I can't do this.

I'll make a study plan. That's the thing to do, right? I have to do something.